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Lifestyle: Wayne Rooney, Jack of All Trades (But master of one)

by Di Davidson-Amadi
14 March, 2013
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About the author

Di has provided a bit of everything when it comes to editorial content; he’s written reviews for specialist film sites, articles on the latest gadgetry for the glossies and he’s never too far away from a heated debate on the latest footballing furore. Noted for his keen wit and analytical accuracy, this avid reader and screenwriting hobbyist probably spends a little too much time around words.

Wayne Rooney

The topsy-turvy career of Manchester United and England footballer Wayne Rooney looked to be steadying and straightening out after surviving several treacherous snags, but recently it has continued to display the ability to execute more curves than a Gareth Bale freekick.

The latest tribulation follows his baffling omission from the second leg of United’s Champion’s League quarter final encounter against Real Madrid – quite possibly the club’s most illustrious tie for years. Since missing out, rumours have been rife of a rift between the number 10 and manager Alex Ferguson; a rift that could see the player moved on.

Surely not! Rooney has tallied an impressive 19 goals and 15 assists in all competitions so far this season, the very thought of him being sold on to aid United’s wealthy rivals seems darn right contemptible.

The man from the suburb of Croxteth in Liverpool has only recently pledged an unshakable devotion to the giants from a few miles across the M62, suggesting that it would be either play for United or retire out of the game. It’s probably his only two options as he is treading the fine line between being a great footballer or a washed up has-been. This got us at Click Tempus pondering the implications of Rooney hanging up his boots, specifically what are the alternative careers he could fall back on if such a thing were to happen? Amazingly, the options are many.

Rooney the Model

Rooney as model

A lot is made of Wayne Rooney’s looks and, let’s face it, none of it is good. The idiom ‘a face only a mother could love’ springs aptly to mind. His balding barnet and moon face have earned him the moniker of a live action Shrek whilst he also has to deal with constant jibes regarding his weight.

Yet, Rooney is no stranger to the realm of big brand endorsements, often lending his maligned mug to front important and lucrative campaigns. For those of you with a television set at your disposal, you may remember seeing Rooney in various Nike adverts including the Nike T90 Laser IV football boots he made so fashionable.

Rooney the model

And if you thought Beckham was the only footballer to grace the cover of anything, then you may want to check out the popular range of FIFA football video games over the years as Rooney has been the cover boy for no less than seven of the twenty annual releases between 2006 and 2012.

Rooney the Thespian

Rooney as Thespian

Sure his disposition is as awkward as a family get-together with the Huhne’s, but there are some signs that Rooney at least enjoys the physicality of the craft.

Rooney as Thespian

As if syphoning the slapstick techniques of Laurel and Hardy, Rooney has been known to go down theatrically under the slightest contact in a match and, to his credit, he’s convinced many referees – most memorably during a heated game against bitter rivals Arsenal back in 2004.

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Maybe he could take up theatre in the round rather than theatre on the ground? And of course who could forget Wayne’s memorable interpretation of James Bond in this recent trailer:

Rooney the Football Pundit

Rooney as football pundit

Not too long ago, a joke was bandied about on Twitter by the football jesters at @FootyHumour to popular reception. It read:

“Selling Wayne Rooney to French side PSG (Paris St. Germain) would be so cruel. He’s just mastered English.”

What the joke very cynically suggests is that maybe Rooney’s lack of refinement and thick Scouse twang don’t make him the best qualified candidate for a broadcast journalism job.

Rooney Football Pundit

Still, if there is one thing Rooney knows, it’s football. You needn’t be professionally trained to talk about it as long as you understand the sport and know the footballing lingo – how else do you think Paul Merson has gotten away with it all these years?!

Rooney the Anger Management Counsellor

Rooney as Anger Management Counsellor

Another surprising fact for you: between 2011 and 2012, Rooney managed to go twenty eight English Premier League matches without picking up a single card. This is proof positive that the former hot-headed youngster has calmed down drastically; this is akin to the late great wild child pinup James Dean driving a Nissan Micra under 30.

Previously Rooney chose the two-horned trident-tipped tail image ahead of an angelic façade with his fondness for distasteful acts of senselessness often evident.

There was that shameful red card for a stamp on Portuguese defender Ricardo Carvalho and push on then United teammate Cristiano Ronaldo in the 2006 FIFA World Cup Quarter Final (remember the Ronnie wink?).

Rooney Anger Management Counsellor

In April 2011, the striker’s hattrick inspired a remarkable away day comeback against West Ham United that saw his side win 2-4 from a 2-0 deficit in the Premier League.

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Whilst his behaviour improved domestically, he was still giving England supporters unnecessary headaches when he lashed out against a Montenegrin player in a Euro 2012 qualifier.

Rooney Anger Management

This particular offence could have seen England miss out on qualifying for the tournament and meant that Rooney – one of England’s most influential players – missed the group stages anyway.

Rooney the Spokesperson for Restorative Hair Treatment

Rooney as Hair Restorative spokesman

The saga that is Wayne Rooney’s tumultuous life was beginning to take its toll on his Adonis good looks, localised mainly atop his receding bonce. So he took extreme measures to address the problem by investing in a £30,000 hair transplant at the end of the 2010/11 season.

His new look has made him the butt of the jokes (again) and he has openly admitted to being “slaughtered” by onlookers and even his teammates.

Rooney Hair Restorative Spokesman

But he who laughs last laughs the longest it appears as a celebrity poll revealed that Rooney’s rejuvenated crop was voted the best improved ahead of the likes of Dancing on Ice’s Jason Gardiner and George Best’s model son, Calum.

Rooney the Author

Rooney as Author

He already has two autobiographical books published that have portrayed his determination to get his unabridged life story out, and he started as early as the age of 20.

His first book ‘Wayne Rooney: My Story So Far’ was released in 2006 to mixed reviews. This was the first chance people got to gauge a comprehensive perspective behind his footballing genius, but all anyone got were dreary anecdotes about his wife and enjoying takeaway.

Rooney the Author

His second book ‘Wayne Rooney: ‘My Decade in the Premier League’ wasn’t much better either with publishers HarperCollins admitting to having only sold 6,000 copies in the six weeks since its release. Hey ho! He may not be John Grisham churning out a string of bestselling football thrillers, but at least he has the experience.

Rooney the Gigolo

Wayne Rooney Gigolo

I know this is quite fragile territory but it seems a fairly obvious career consideration given his credentials.

If you’re wondering what I’m harping on about then your vendetta to boycott all forms of the daily tabloids has worked a treat because, three years ago, you couldn’t get away from the story.

Rooney was found to have had fumblings with £1,200-a-night call girl, Jenny Thompson (right), and her single mother friend, Helen Wood, whilst his wife Coleen was up the duff with their first child.

Rooney the Gigolo

However, Rooney showed that his foolhardy partying days are behind him during a night out at the Tryst nightclub in Vegas where he found himself having to fight temptation as the blondes gravitated towards him. The fact that he was able to keep his hands to himself this shows either a new found maturity, an awareness of his family’s presence (it was a boy’s night out on a short leash with his wife and son Kai along too) or neither girl had enough wonga for his services.

Rooney the Haute Horologist

Wayne Rooney Haute Horologist

‘On me wrist, son, here Wayne nicks the only available edition of the Hublot King Power Red Devil developed a couple of years ago by Hublot, and which even contained genuine blades of Old Trafford grass inside the watch. Then as now, Wayne has plenty of money to  ‘Hublot’ on his choice of high-end Swiss watches. Will Wayne chuck his number 10 shirt to study haute horology in an exclusive Swiss maison and emerge at Baselworld in a bow tie and tweeds pontificating on triple tourbillons and double folding butterfly deployment clasps? Probably not, but with the master of the scissor kick and the cheeky nutmeg, anything is possible.



Di Davidson-Amadi | Website

Di has provided a bit of everything when it comes to editorial content; he’s written reviews for specialist film sites, articles on the latest gadgetry for the glossies and he’s never too far away from a heated debate on the latest footballing furore. Noted for his keen wit and analytical accuracy, this avid reader and screenwriting hobbyist probably spends a little too much time around words.

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